Bad mom v. good mom

This week has been busy.  I've been trying to do some deep cleaning in the kitchen and packing for our upcoming trip.

Yesterday we got caught in a downpour while walking home from school.  The weather was iffy, but I had a book due back at the library and a bunch of holds (including some for Carter) that had come in, so I literally ran to the library, then to his school to pick him up.  Once we all changed pants, the boys had hot cocoa and warmed up with blankets in front of the fire, which Henri refers to as "Happy Birthday" which also means candles, fires of all types, etc.  This has been going on since his birthday last Thanksgiving...

bonus pictures of Valerie...

 A friend did this with her daughter and Carter and i thought it was hilarious, so we tried it. This is every doll that isn't a Barbie that we own.  After the picture, Carter played Barbies until bedtime. 

I think we need a few larger dolls and all of them to look at the camera.  I may try it again in the future.

So finally my bad mom/good mom story.  Wednesday mornings I'm taking a bible study.  We need to be there between 9:15 and 9:30 and Carter's school starts at 9:15.  Needless to say there is a small window of time where we need to be a lot of places at once.  I have also found being late causes me great anxiety, so we've been working since the new year on trying to be on time places.  It worked really great for about 2-3 weeks and now I'm back to my old ways of trying to fit more stuff in a time period than can really be done.  Anyways, so we pull up, I drive him as close as possible to the door and say, "OK, have a great day.  He starts freaking out.  He couldn't remember if today was stuffed animal day, so he brought Zippy in the car.  He doesn't see anyone with stuffed animals and says there's a sign on the door of the class, we have to go in to check.  He's crying.  I'm just like, "really?  really?  THIS is the morning you are freaking out and I have to get all the kids outof the car???"  So I angrily get all the kids out and grab Zippy to go check the door.  It's tomorrow.  I get back to the car with the two babies and Zippy and am literally shaking I'm so angry now. 

Sidenote, I am putting it out there that I have been getting angry.  Usually at my children.  Maybe it's the exercise and extra testosterone, maybe it's being stressed about being late (I'm pretty sure this is related because I was pretty chill when we were early all the time) or maybe it's that they are back to waking up and so any free time I have is spent sleeping instead of relaxing or spending time with my husband.  Anyways, I'm really trying to work on it and my patience with them. I mean, really, they are only 5, 2 & 6 months.  They are in this big world and have little idea what is going on.

I'm laying this all out because there are what, maybe 15 of you that read my blog and some of you are mothers and I want to let you know that you are normal if you feel this way and that you are not alone!

So, I pray about the anger (basicly my short fuse) and the patience.  Yesterday, I get back in my car shaking from anger.  I make it to the highway and am crying and praying because I feel so badly about being so angry about such a silly thing.  Then I see it.  There is an accident that recently happened on the freeway.  I know it's probably coincidence, but I do feel that God intervened through Carter to a) keep me from being in an accident-I've been in a 5 car pileup on the freeway before-when Carter was Valerie's age) b) to help me realize that I need to figure out what to do with this anger and impatience and diffuse it and I don't mean into my children.

Another intervention?  I never do this, but yesterday I put a note in Carter's lunch sack that said, "Carter, I love you, love Mom"  He had forgiven me by lunch when he read the note and wrote back on the back of it, "Mom, I love you too, Carter" 

Anyway, I know this is much deeper than many of my posts, but I appreciated yesterday being taught about a personality flaw, esp in 2011, the year I become perfect :)

If you don't know the backstory... I was making out my New Year's Resolutions and Paul asked what would happen if I actually accomplished all of them.  I said, "Well, then I'll be perfect and not have to make resolutions next year."